it is time.

I don’t want to do anything.

And that, right there, is how I know it’s time for something to change.

There are different stages of depression—or at least, different stages in my depression. It begins with feeling insecure. Insecure about everything—my looks, my friends, my relationship with God, my job, the place I live…

And during this stage, I am attacked by thoughts like, “I’m not good enough,” “I’m going to be alone forever,” “My friends aren’t really my friends,” etc.

Then I start to get ideas. Ideas on how I can fix these feelings, on how I can feel better about myself. I think, “I’ll feel better if I can just get my own apartment. I’m probably feeling this way because I feel like a squatter,” or “If I go to more social events, I’ll feel better. I just need to have more fun!” or “If I just get my finances in order, I’ll stop stressing and worrying so much.” or, the ever-persistent “If I just had a boyfriend, I’d stop feeling so lonely.”

During this stage, I wear myself out completely. I try, and try, and try some more, and even when I achieve the things I seek, I feel empty. Alone. Life feels meaningless. I am suddenly tired all the time, or even actually sick. My body starts to hurt. I have almost constant nausea.

After that, I find myself in the stage that I am currently experiencing.

Complete and utter apathy.

I don’t want to strive for anything, because obviously it’s not going to change what’s going on inside of me. I hate waking up in the morning, not necessarily because I’m still tired, but because I have absolutely nothing to look forward to during my day. I sometimes force myself to be social, but really feel no joy, even surrounded by people I love, doing things that I usually think are fun.

I don’t want to live.

Don’t misunderstand me. I don’t want to die, either. I haven’t experienced suicidal thoughts since accepting Christ, and I don’t think those will ever come back.

I only mean that I have no fire. There’s absolutely nothing that really, truly gets me excited or impassioned. I’ll wake up, get dressed, go to work, eat sometimes, rinse, repeat. But I don’t want to do anything outside of what keeps my heart beating and my lungs working.

So that’s me right now. A walking corpse.

And let me be perfectly clear, in case there is any confusion on the subject—I am actively pursuing the Lord right now. I am in the Word daily. I pray constantly. I’ve prayed for God to “fix” me…and he hasn’t. Not yet.

So what does that mean?

In the past, I would’ve thought I was doing something wrong. That I wasn’t really, truly pursuing a relationship with God—because God wouldn’t let me hurt this way. Someone actually once told me that it was impossible to be a true Christian and suffer from depression.

I’m calling bullshit on that one. The older I get, the more I start to understand the demon that is Depression. And while I fully believe that my God is capable of kicking its ass…I also believe that sometimes, he’s going to let me fight it. He hasn’t left me. He says in his word that he will NEVER do that. He will be the one who ultimately heals me, but I think that he wants me to find some strength of my own.

And maybe….just maybe, someday I will be able to help someone who is going through this same hell. Maybe that’s the reason I’m supposed to suffer like this. Maybe that person will need to see the proof that this disease can be fought, and conquered.

So now, I am praying for the desire to fight it. I need to want to struggle my way through the thick sludge that it seems I’m constantly wading in. I need to want to be stronger.

Right now, though……man. I don’t want to do anything.

So, maybe right now I’m the one who needs someone to listen…to understand, and to give counsel. Perhaps, though it terrifies me to the point of actual, full-blown panic attacks, it’s time to actually get some “help.”

I’m not ashamed of it. Now, that’s interesting. Because I always thought I would be.

I’m not, though. I’m just finally admitting that I, the manically independent, I-don’t-need-anyone queen, need some help.

Though I’d much rather lay in my bed and think of nothing, I’ll go see someone who will make me think of everything.

In the wise words of Rafiki, "It is time."

AND, if you want to help me, please pray for me. Love me. Talk to me. But I swear to chocolate if you try to preach at me, or tell me that I just need to “change” my way of thinking or something stupid like that……well. I haven’t decided what I’ll do yet. But please just don’t be an ass.