what a year can do.

Earlier this week, I reached the first anniversary of something pretty huge. I’m not going to go into detail about what that particular event was, but reaching this anniversary has made me all kinds of pensive. Like, I’ve been thinking a lot. Thinking about where/who I was a year ago…and how different things are today.

The past year has been the most self-discoveratory (which is not a word, but I’m making it one… -ive? I’m not sure which I like better) of my entire life. I know things about myself that I always wondered about…things about my God that I never fully believed to be true. I am not the same person that I was last year. And so I’d like to document all the things that I now know.

Things that I’ve learned in the past year:

#1: I Can Fall In Love, and When I Do, I Fall Really Crazy Hard

I was so in love last year, that I didn’t know down from up. Until this happened, I always thought I would never be able to open myself up to someone in that way. I thought I’d be unable to fully commit.

Well. I committed. I committed so hard that when my heart was inevitably broken, I was actually physically ill. We’re talking chest pains, vomiting, loss of appetite, insomnia…..if it hadn’t been for some really excellent friends, I (in all seriousness) don’t think I would’ve survived.

Someone (I don’t know who) once said:

“It is both a blessing and a curse to feel everything so very deeply.”

Yeah…that’s me. I loved so deeply and so fully that, once the blessing of it was over, the curse nearly killed me.

#2: I am Maniacally Independent, For All the Wrong Reasons

I was on a date with this guy one time, and he told me that I seemed like I didn’t need anyone. “You seem like you’re just fine on your own,” he said.

The more I think about this, the more evidence of it I see in my life. I do everything on my own. I never ask for help, unless the situation is truly dire.

But this isn’t because I don’t want help. This is because I don’t think that people really care enough to want to help me. And I don’t want to be an inconvenience to anyone.  I want people to be happy, and I think so little of myself that I think people won’t be happy if they’re helping me.

That’s right. I’m independent because I am insecure. Isn’t that ridiculous?! I take everything on by myself, act like I don’t care that I’m single, shrug my shoulders and act like it’s no big deal that I’ve got four thousand tasks to accomplish on my own. Because I don’t think I’m worthy of people’s help, or people’s love.

Holy shit. Quite the realization, huh?

#3: I Always Say I Don’t Want a Family, But That is a Big, Fat Lie

When people talk about having kids, I always cringe and make a big deal about how it would destroy my body, and I’m way too selfish to be a mom, and childbirth is a horrific experience, blah blah blah.

Nope. Turns out I want kids. Not right this second, but someday… I want kids bad. But I’m so scared that no one will ever want to have kids with me that I say I don’t want them…so that maybe one day I’ll actually believe I don’t want them. I think, “In my entire life, only one guy has ever really pursued me, and he changed his mind. So maybe I’m not meant to start a family with anyone.”

The thought of that desire not being fulfilled is so painful that I’ve tried to squash the want.

Now, for the stuff that is less woe-is-me and more whoa-is-God.

#4: God Loves Me. …No, Like, For Serious

I’m not going to spout out a lot of scripture in this post. I think the “God loves me” verses are great—don’t get me wrong—but I’ve known those scriptures my whole life, and I didn’t really start to believe that God loved me until I actually started experiencing it.

The trouble is…I don’t really know how to put this into words. Bear with me.

I have physically felt my Father’s arms wrap around me. I have been flooded with the peace that transcends all understanding—that I thought I already knew, but recently experienced at a much deeper level. I have endless joy, that could come from no other source but Him. I. Feel. Loved. Not because I get everything that I want (I don’t come anywhere close to getting everything I want), but because of the supernatural state of awesome that my heart is currently resting in.

Scripture has come to life in my heart.

#5: I Am Called to Love in Bigger Ways Than I Can Even Imagine

For the past nine months or so, I have been blessed to be a part of a documentary project called Compelling Love. In the film, we are taking a look at sexual identity differences, and trying to figure out how to connect—really connect—with people that we radically disagree with.

Through listening to the personal stories of people from all over the country, I have begun to really see people as people. The people in the world that I can’t stand the thought of being around…they have favorite colors. Favorite foods. Dreams and ambitions in life. I tend to dehumanize them but…They. Are. Human. And if I am to meet people where they are, as Jesus met us, how DARE I put distance between myself and the “others” because of a different view on something?

God has shown me what it means to love His children. All of His children. And He is continuing to show me. I’m not done learning this concept.

I am so excited about it that I can’t even stand it.

#6: God’s Timing is Perfect, and There’s Nothing I Can Do About It

I’m sure everyone can relate to this, but I’ve always been incredibly frustrated by the fact that nothing seems to happen in my life when I want it to happen. And I get even more frustrated when people say, “It’s all in God’s timing.” This incredibly stupid and selfish part of my brain wants to scream, “But what about MY timing?!”

Well, as it turns out, God created the world, and He created all of us. And he has a Kingdom plan, that my life is only a part of. And He knows what the heck He’s doing, so I just need to buckle my seatbelt and hang on for the ride.

I was sent on a mission trip to Mexico days after having my heart broken last year. If I had been the one planning my life, I would’ve timed that completely differently. But as it turns out, I needed to be hurting while I was in Mexico. It’s strange to say that, but such healing and growth happened on that trip, and it couldn’t have happened if I hadn’t been broken.

I keep getting a lot of “not yets” from God. And I’m starting to be okay with that, because I’m actually starting to trust Him.

Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will grant you the desires of your heart.

People misinterpret this verse often…it doesn’t mean that I am going to get everything that I want out of this life. It means that if my delight is in my Lord, then my desires will be from my Lord. And he grants the things he promises. Always. Because His promises are for His own Glory.

#7: Satan Only Has Power When I Don’t Fight Him

The other night, I stood in the shower after a rather difficult day, emotionally. As the water fell over me, I thought about how much I wished I were someone else. With someone else’s life. And then a voice in my head said, “You’re not worthy of a life like that.”

This wasn’t the first time that this voice had plagued me. My whole life, every day, it’s been:

“No one will ever love you.”

“Your friends don’t even like you.”

“You mean absolutely nothing to God.”

“You only think you’re following God. But you’re not. You’re a hypocrite.”

And the list goes on. But for some reason, standing there in the shower, hearing that voice that time, something clicked into place. I said, out loud, “That is NOT the voice of my God. In the name of Jesus, I command you to leave me ALONE.”

It seems corny…but this stuff is real. And as soon as I said it, my head felt lighter. Tension released in my neck. Perfect peace. And I haven’t heard that voice since.

Satan will attack again, at some point, I’m sure. But I know how to fight him. And I’m not going to let his voice dictate how I feel about myself, my God, or my life.

#8: I Am Flawed, But Holy Bananas I’m Beautiful

The things I mentioned earlier that I’ve learned about myself…Well, they don’t really make me look awesome. I trust that God is working on my heart, to change the things that need to be changed.

But also…God made me this way. I am freaking beautiful.

I don’t come anywhere close to fitting the world’s standard of beauty. But I don’t want to fit that standard. I want to fit the standard of another world—the world that I truly belong to. My God’s world.

That’s what kind of beauty I’m striving for.

I’m accepting the things that I’ve always wished I could change about myself. I’m embracing them.

I’m a nerd. Really, though. I love fantasy fiction, and anime, and learning languages, and I like doing random math problems just for fun. When I was a kid, I used to play on the computer for hours…on Microsoft Excel. I love video games—the RPG kind. I am completely fascinated by astronomy (I’d love to own a telescope). I get legitimately excited when I learn a new word in the English language (callipygous—look it up).

I am much taller than the average girl, with giant feet, joints that could land me in the circus, and an eye condition that makes people think I’m cross-eyed. And I’m pigeon-toed. I can lick my elbow—which apparently no human is supposed to be able to do. And I cannot roll my tongue.

I have brown eyes and skin that is not very clear. And I’m severely lacking in the curve department.

I am completely mad about the arts. Music, Theatre, Dance, Photography, Painting…ALL OF IT. And I absolutely hate things that guys wish girls were into: sports (with the exceptions of baseball and soccer), hunting, fishing, and getting dirty in general.

I don’t like listening to The Killers, Metallica, Kings of Leon, or Red Hot Chili Peppers.

I adore Frank Sinatra (and the rest of the Rat Pack), Norah Jones, Queen, and countless bands that no one has ever heard of (You really should look up The Classic Crime).

All these things I just listed are things I have wished, at one point or another, that I could change about myself. But not anymore. I like these things. I like who they make me. I think I’m pretty damn interesting, and anyone who is “turned off” by any of these qualities…well, I don’t need them.

I am Erin, hear me roar. I am done wishing to be someone else. Someone I’m not.

So, folks, there you have it. The past year, in a nutshell (a rather long nutshell, I’m aware. #sorrynotsorry). I’m not done learning. Not done growing. But I am not the lost girl I was a year ago.

And one more thing.

I am going to fall in love again. This message is for “him”:

I’m going to love the hell out of you. You’ll be second in my heart, because my Heavenly Father will always be numero uno, but no one on earth is ever going to make you feel more important than I will. I need you to need God, and seek Him first. But seek me second, because I was created to be needed by someone—so I need you to need me (Cue Cheap Trick song). We are going to have more adventures than you could count, and we’re going to visit all the corners of the earth. It’s gonna be a wild ride, but I’ll do my best to make it enjoyable. Get ready to have your socks thoroughly knocked off.

The End.