Every
time I go through a period of extreme emotional distress, I cut my hair. I
mean, CHOP it.
…I
got my hair cut yesterday. In my terms, it is SHORT. I went from having hair
that fell halfway down my back, to hair that barely brushes my collarbone.
So.
Yeah. Not really the best time for me right now, emotionally.
This
only started a few days ago. Before the “incident,” I was about as close to
high as you can possibly get, without, of course, the use of certain
substances. Things were going GREAT. And then, just like that, my world was
turned upside down and I almost instantly retreated to my dark, lonely place (that
had been abandoned for quite some time).
I’m
not going to go into details about what happened, because, honestly, I am
embarrassed by the reaction I am experiencing. There is NO reason for me to
feel the way I’m feeling in this circumstance. None. And yet…I do. So I’m
pissed at myself, which pretty much takes this anxiety attack and multiplies it
by itself which gives you—Erin Is a Wreck.
Luckily,
I have experienced this type of thing before. Emotions spiraling out of
control, chest tightening, not being able to eat or sleep…So I know how to
begin to deal with it. I have been in almost constant prayer for the past few
days. Constant. Sharing my heart with God in a way that is completely naked and
real, holding absolutely nothing back. I’ve been trying to listen to Him, as
well. And, in response to the questions I pointed His way, He gave me this
answer: Wait.
Some
of you might think that this is the most unhelpful answer He could possibly
give. We as humans are an impatient breed, so someone telling us to “wait” only
makes us more anxious. Usually.
This
case is different. As soon as I heard the word “wait,” the most amazing feeling
of peace and clarity came over me. I said, “Alright, God. You want me to wait?
I’ll wait. I’m done with doing what I’ve been doing.”
I
am done. I am done, and tired. Exhausted, actually. And I refuse to continue to
allow this JUNK in my life. My heart is far too precious of a thing for me to
let it be continually battered, broken and bruised. Especially when the cause
of the pain is only myself.
So.
I’m off the market. I’m not dating
anymore. I’m going to wait.
This
has nothing to do with the fact that I went on the worst date of my life two
nights ago (though that was sort of the climactic factor that helped me make
this decision). It has everything to do with me putting one thousand percent of
my trust in God, and no longer relying on myself to find the person I’m
supposed to be with.
I
have always sought affirmation from men. I want guys to tell me I’m pretty
(which is why I had a Tinder account. Now deleted). I want guys to tell me I’m
different from all the other girls they’ve encountered—that I’m special. And
when that doesn’t happen, when I am seen as just another female roaming about,
not particularly overly attractive, or unique, I am completely devastated.
How
unhealthy is that?! I was made in the image of my Creator! My level of self-esteem
should NOT be dictated by how I am perceived by men of a broken world. Men of a
broken world are broken men. I should want to be told I am wonderful by my GOD.
And he does tell me that!
“I
praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Your works are
wonderful, I know that full well.” –Psalm 139:14
His
works are wonderful, and of these I am one. I shouldn’t desire any other
affirmation.
I
was at a Barlow Girl concert when I was about fourteen, and one of the girls
told the story of how God had told them that they weren’t supposed to date. She
said, “We weren’t very happy when He told us this, because we REALLY wanted to
date. But we will put our trust in Him. Waiting on God is better.” I remember
thinking that it was a ridiculous idea. I thought, “How are you supposed to
find the one God has for you, if you don’t date around??” But I get it now.
God
knows what he’s doing. He is all-powerful. All-knowing. And He has told me
that, when the time is right, He will put “that man” in my direct path. And I
will know that it’s him. I don’t need to “date around,” because God’s got it
taken care of already.
You
see, I’ve always thought that I know what’s best for myself. But there’s a very
good chance that I don’t. Isaiah 55:8-9 says:
“For
my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,” declares the
Lord. “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than
your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts.”
He
knows my heart. He knows my desires, my passions, my fears. And He is faithful.
To those who are seeking His will, He grants what they wish. So I will seek His
will, and His alone. Despite what or who my heart desires right now, I choose
to desire God first. And I know that one day everything that I’m freaking out
about right now will be put to rest, for good.
Because
God is going to be working on this man’s heart, too. This man is going to be
seeking God so hard that he will only pursue me when God puts me on his heart.
That is the man I will wait for. I could know him already, or he could be
someone I’ve never met. Regardless, he will be the right one. I’m not wasting
my time with any wrong ones.
Even
if it does mean I’m missing out on free meals.
I
love being in love. I am a hopeless romantic, at my core, so I don’t believe
that I was created to be single on a permanent basis. But even if that is what
happens—if there is no man for me—I am okay. I’m planning on being so in love
with my God that it won’t even matter.
I’m
diving into scripture. Talking to the Lord constantly. Letting His arms wrap me
up and keep me far from the loneliness that has plagued me most of my life. I’m
going to seek Him with my whole self, and I’m so excited about my future with
Him that I’m actually shaking as I’m typing.
“For
I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord. “Plans to prosper you and
not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” –Jeremiah 29:11
