No,
really. I am so over it.
Girl
meets boy. Boy likes girl. Boy and girl date. Girl falls in love. Boy rips girl’s
heart out. And life seriously feels like it’s over. For a LONG. DAMN. TIME.
“Moving
on” is such a ridiculous thing to think about. Like, “Oh, yeah, let me find
ANOTHER one of those things. I can’t wait to have my heart crushed again.”
Thanks, but no. I’ve finally got to a point where I’m not heartbroken, and I’m
enjoying it too much to go look for a new person to mistakenly trust and be
destroyed by.
I’m
on the edge of the “jaded” cliff, dangling my toes over the precipice. One more
time, and I’ll fall over.
I
don’t want to fall over. I want to still believe in my heart that romance is
magical, that love is real. I see friends and family getting engaged, and
married, and I think it must be real. So I’m not looking for someone to take
that away from me. I’ve seen people lose their faith in love…and it’s sad
seeing someone so broken. When people look at me, I want them to see strength.
I want them to see passion and fire for life. Being jaded would take all of
that away.
I
just went through a seriously horrific year. Nothing truly awful happened
(other than my dog passing away, which shook me up pretty hard), but I was
still nursing heartbreak wounds…still fighting the black beast of Depression,
whose visit I didn't even seen coming this time. I withdrew into my “safe”
shell, shut people out who cared about me. And I missed out on living because
of it.
Sometime
in November, I knocked Depression over the head hard enough to knock it out. It didn't die. It will never die. But I plan on taking advantage of its slumber
this time. I am free. I will live like I am free.
I
know that the New Year doesn't really mean
anything. It’s just a way of keeping track of the time. But this New Year holds
a promise for me that 2014 never did. A promise of joy—despite the harshness of
life’s circumstances. A promise of peace that transcends all understanding. A
promise of love.
Perhaps
2014 held that promise as well, but I squandered it. I wasn't in a place to
recognize it, to receive the gifts I’ve been given. So now, as 2015 begins, I
will take hold of the life that I am called to. This year will not break me as
the last did.
The
truth is, I love the symbolism of the New Year. Starting over. A sense of
expectancy. Apprehension and anxiety, too, if I’m being honest. But I am
hopeful. My heart is content.
And
that is why, this year, I will not run around with my heart on a silver
platter, offering it to candidates who seem worthy. I won’t let someone simply
taste what I have to offer and then decide they prefer something different. I
am worth more than that.
I
was created as a whole human being. I was not separated from my “other half,”
and forced to wander the world alone until the halves can be molded back
together. It has always been just me. And I am not alone, even when I am,
physically. The Spirit sustains me and gives me life. The Spirit eases the
loneliness of the flesh.
In
2015, I am clean. I am new. I am free. And I am ready for what this year has to
offer.
If
romance is to come my way, it will be the last romance I ever experience, one
way or another. So God, if you have something in the way of lovey-dovey junk in
store for me, you’re going to have to knock me in the head and speak it over me
loud and clear—or I will NOT grab hold of it. My heart is open enough to hear
you, but I won’t hear anyone else.
I’m
tired of being consumed by the thought of finding someone to be mine. There is
SO much more to life than romance! So if my family would stop asking me about
my love life every time they see me, and instead ask me about my LIFE, that’d
be great. Because this year, I am going to experience some pretty terrific
stuff.
For
example:
I’m
going to travel a bit! Going to a wedding in Washington State in the late
summer/early fall (can’t remember which…forgive me, Kylie! Haha). I’m also
planning a trip to New Orleans at some point….maybe April? Just for funsies,
because I’ve never been and I want a friggin beignet.
I
also have started a network marketing venture that I am super stoked about—selling
Kyani, which includes some of the best products I’ve ever used, with a team
made up of some really wonderful friends. It’d be pretty cool to make some
money this year—so I can travel and be selfish. HA. Not really. I want to do
some pretty big things for my community, and the world. Ask me about them
later, because that would be a blog post all on its own.
I
am in the process of acting in my very first paid gig! It’s a film called
Wonderkind—I’ll let all of you know when it’s finished and available for
viewing, because though my part is pretty small, I still want everyone I know
to see it.
I’ve also recently become acquainted with the Theatre scene here in Dallas—I’ve met a
ton of really awesome, talented people, and I am now beyond ready to be back on
a stage. That’ll happen this year. And you’re all invited to come watch. Unless
it’s really horrible, in which case I will warn you.
I’m
going to read a lot more this year, instead of binge-watching anime and
Netflix. I’m sure to find some new worlds to geek out about, so be prepared to
hear all about them.
I’m
going to explore my city. I've lived here for over two years, and still haven’t
seen half of it. So much to do…and I’ll make the time to do it.
So,
to all you people questioning my lack of romantic partner, STOP. That is not
the end-all-be-all of life. My worth is not dictated by my relationship status
on Facebook. It’ll happen when it happens, but I’m not waiting around. I'VE GOT
STUFF TO DO.
I
saw someone’s post about how they weren't making a New Year’s Resolution, so
much as they were having a New Year’s Revolution. It might sound cheesy, but I
really like that thought. I’m going to revolutionize the way I see life, and
the way I live it out.
Year
of Our Lord, Two Thousand and Fifteen—I’m ready for you.
You’d
better be ready for me.
